Circles
by ever6
Summary: Updated with Chapter 2 & 3. Companion piece to "Mirror"
1. Default Chapter

~Circles~  
  
Ryan stood staring at the closed door for a few minutes, partly because he hoped she would come back out, but mostly because he couldn't make his feet move. His mind was frantically trying to make sense of the entire evening and failing, flipping through images, going around in circles that kept ending up with him here, staring at Marissa's door. He took a deep breath and forced himself to move, slowly back up the way he'd come down so quickly before, trying to catch her before she went in the house. He'd sat on the steps waiting for her to come home, hoping he'd be able to talk to her, but the look on her face when she saw him had stopped him cold. "You're too late", she'd said, and then she turned and went in the house before he could speak.  
  
He reached the pool house and went in, flipping on a light as he went by. The soft gold glow illuminated the bed, the covers still in disarray where he and Gabrielle had been going at it when Marissa opened the door. He felt sick and regret twisted in his chest as he thought of the look on her face when she'd seen him. The hurt in her eyes, God, he'd never wanted to be the cause of that. Ever. He'd wanted to be the one to always make her happy, to be good to her. He looked around and knew he couldn't stay here tonight. This room had been like a comfort zone for him, the place where his new life was beginning. Living here had meant that he was cared about, and things would be different and good. Now it felt like the scene of a double murder, only lacking the yellow crime scene tape, and he couldn't get out the door fast enough.  
  
He slumped into one of the poolside lounge chairs, ignoring the cold cushion against his back. How had things come to this? He'd assumed they were back together when he went to Marissa's house to ask her to the party and uh, Luke was there. Draping his arm around her and acting like the anti- Luke toward him. Had he really thanked him for riding with him to the hospital? Whatever. Ryan was sure it was an act. So he'd said something stupid instead of asking her and left for work. He'd been surprised when she showed up there to talk to him. Only to tell him Luke wanted her back and she didn't know what to do. So ok. They weren't back together, but what the hell was she doing asking him to make her decision for her? She knew how he felt about her; there was no question there. It killed him that she even had to think about it. Did she want him or Luke, the arrogant ass that treated her like she was his property, trying to control her every action and thought? The jerk that cheated on her, harassed Seth apparently just for kicks, and tried to start a fight with him every time they were within eye contact? He knew they had a past, but the fact that she was having such a hard time deciding between someone like that and himself made him feel like shit. He was just trash from Chino after all, right? Why would she want him?  
  
So there was Gabrielle, ex-model, cool as hell, totally HOT, and interested in everything he said. And also looking at him with stark desire in her eyes that said she definitely knew he was good enough and wanted to show him why. He knew it was wrong in several ways when she kissed him the first time, but damn, he'd felt like an idiot when he found out Marissa was coming to the party with Luke, and kissing Gabrielle had sure lessened that sting, and didn't that mean she'd chosen Luke? What the hell? During the party, he'd gone out to say hi, figuring it would leave him some shred of dignity to act like her choosing Luke was ok, if that's what made her happy, he was still her friend blah blah, but when he'd actually seen them together, in his house, Marissa smiling sweetly at Luke while he played with her hair, it was too much. They were definitely back together and he could not deal. Not right then.  
  
As he fled from that scene he'd remembered their date, in the pool house, when he'd stood that close to her, she had smiled at him like that, and he had been happy. Truly, gut-wrenchingly happy. His head had been full of the scent of her mixed with chlorine from the pool, and the feel of her shaking under his fingers as he put the towel around her and rubbed her arms trying to get her warm. The intoxicating spell of her eyes, as they laughed and then fell silent, both of them feeling heat of a different kind growing between them. It had felt like a knife cutting into his heart to think that would never happen again. So he'd gone to the pool house, his sanctuary, to listen to music and try to erase the sight of Marissa and Luke from his head. Gabrielle was the furthest thing from his mind when she'd come through the door, but he'd found it easy to lose himself in her when she pushed him onto the bed. Being with her did not make him happy, but it sure as hell made him feel wanted. His attention was completely on the sparks and fire she was lighting in him, and he let the sweet burn take over and instinct rule. And then the door had opened, and they had stared at each other in shock. And exactly why did she look so crushed if she was happy with Luke? Marissa had run off, and he was in hell again. Yeah. This felt normal.  
  
The look on her face, and the tone of her voice down in her driveway before she went in the house, was strange. It was like she was saying more than she'd picked Luke, and whatever that something more was, she was miserable about it. She'd sounded so - lost. He'd wanted to take those five steps across the grass to her, and wrap his arms around her, and while he was thinking that, it had dawned on him what she was saying, and he'd wanted to kill Luke with every fiber of his being. Had seeing him with Gabrielle made her do this? Different emotions had hit him at once - regret, guilt, rage, confusion - making his head spin, but in the end he was just worried about her. So much in her life was going wrong already, she didn't need something else of this magnitude. How much could she take?  
  
He shifted in the chair, and opened his eyes when he heard movement to his left. Seth had turned onto his side in the next lounge chair. Ryan hadn't even heard him come out. He had his lanky frame curled up in a ball, trying to get warm, and Ryan realized how cold it was out here.  
  
"Hey. Seth." he said quietly.  
  
Seth opened one eye and looked at him. "Yeah."  
  
"What are you doing out here, man? Go inside, it's cold."  
  
Seth sat up. "Only if you do. Look, I know something happened, and for uh, whatever reason you needed to sleep outside, I figured I would too, in case you wanted to - talk. Or not - you know what I mean."  
  
Ryan did know, and was grateful. "How did you know something happened?"  
  
"Summer and I - and dude, have I got something to tell you - anyway, we saw Marissa, um, flying through the house and you running after her. Then there was the - you - sitting on the steps that look over her driveway for the next 3 hours, that kinda said "Big Problem" and then next time I looked you were out here. So I came out."  
  
"Thanks". It came out low, but Seth heard it.  
  
"Hey. Comrades." Seth settled back into the chair.  
  
"No sense in us both sitting out here freezing," Ryan decided. He could handle the pool house if Seth was with him. Probably. The sun was about to come up anyway, and he was tired. "Come on."  
  
As he walked in, the cold fell away behind him, allowing him to relax a little. Looking around in the dim light, he still felt uneasy. His head hurt. He avoided the bed, took off his shirt, and kicked back in the recliner.  
  
"Um, Ryan?" Seth was looking from him to the bed, concerned, aware that something was seriously wrong now. Something involving the bed. Ryan loved that bed. Seth loved that chair. He had fallen asleep in it many nights when they'd been up late talking.  
  
"I - uh - you can have the bed."  
  
"You know that chair is my second favorite place to sleep." Seth said very gently. Ryan knew from the tone of his voice that this statement really meant "You know you can talk to me if you need to". Sometimes Ryan needed a push, but Seth never wanted to force the issue.  
  
Ryan got up and walked to the bed, grabbing a blanket and throwing it to Seth. He told himself he was acting like a moron. It was just a bed. He stretched out on the side he and Gabrielle had not been on. Seth curled up in the chair under the blanket, letting out a sigh of contentment. Ryan felt a little better with him there. Maybe he could rest. Before he moved here, he had had no one to talk to about anything. Emotions had been bottled up inside, thoughts swirling in his head, and he could rarely make sense of things. He would just react. He wasn't ready to talk to Seth about what happened tonight, but there was a little peace just knowing that he could. He closed his eyes, and fell down into sleep quickly. He dreamed he was staring at a closed door.  
  
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	2. More Circles

~More Circles - Chapter 2~  
  
Seth was gloriously Happy. With a capital "H". Again and again in his mind, Summer launched herself at his lips, grabbing his face and holding him there. He stood perfectly still, shocked into silence, and that sounded stupid because, well, silent? He couldn't continue his poetic ramble with SUMMER'S FACE attached to his mouth, now could he? Of course he was silent! He tried to figure out what to do with his hands, because in this alternate universe, he had NO idea, and it wasn't like he had experience at this sort of thing. In any universe. One of his hands randomly, apparently under it's own volition, settled on her side, and he mentally thanked his hand, because touching her? HELL yeah! - then the other hand took the hint and, not wanting to be left out of the fun, jumped on her other side, then her shoulder, ending up in her hair. He fervently thanked that hand also. Once that was all settled, with the hands, he leaned into her mouth and kissed her back and suddenly knew all of his fantasies concerning Summer had not prepared him for the real thing. At All. Then it ended and he stared at her, waiting for her to slap him, or something, then he remembered SHE had kissed HIM. And she was SMILING at him now. Very sweetly and almost, could it be? - shyly.  
  
On his 13th reenactment, Seth heard Ryan' voice and he sat up in the chair. Looking over at him reclining on the bed, he saw that he was talking in his sleep. Ryan's hand, resting on his stomach, moved out in front of him, palm up in a pleading gesture. Seth's joy was quickly tempered by sadness for his friend. He had seen this before, almost every night he'd stayed over in the pool house. Ryan would talk in his sleep, usually too softly to hear distinct words, sometimes reaching out like he was warding off something - or someone, other times pleading with his hands. Once he had said quite clearly "Mom wait!" and Seth had known exactly what that was all about. Just now he had said something about Marissa. While Ryan had opened up considerably since moving here, he was still a man of very few words compared to the rest of North America, and Seth thought sometimes talking in his sleep was the only way Ryan could communicate all the things he wanted to say while awake, but couldn't.  
  
He hadn't let on to Ryan before, but Seth had had a pretty good idea of what happened tonight, he just didn't know the severity of it until Ryan avoided the bed like it was on fire and tried to trade out Seth's chair for it. Ryan was supremely happy with the big bed, once admitting to him he had never had anything other than an old lumpy twin that hurt his back, but that was still better than when he'd had none at all and slept on the floor. Seth had seen Gabby slink into the pool house during the party, and had later tried to stop Marissa with some brilliant small talk when he'd seen her headed in the same direction. He didn't know why she was going to see Ryan, because in his boredom with Summer's interest in all things corporate, male, and 20-something, he had looked around several times and seen Marissa and Luke and they were all over each other. Seriously. But he thought he should to try to head her off, and when she'd sidestepped him, he had hoped that Gabby had slunk out of the pool house when he wasn't looking, and if not that she and Ryan were involved a friendly game of ProSkater3. From the look on Marissa's face as she whizzed back by, they had been involved in a friendly game of some sort, but he doubted it was ProSkater3. He hoped it was just a kiss, because well you know, since Marissa had obviously chosen Luke anyway, but then after seeing the very rumpled bed and Ryan's avoidance, he was very afraid that Marissa had seen "Grandma" making a man out of Ryan. If he wasn't already. Not the point. A girl just didn't get over a sight like that, and well, he knew Ryan. Ryan had seen that Marissa had chosen Luke, and why would he say no to Gabrielle? Seth certainly wouldn't, and she was his freakin' "Grandma". And that was just weird. But Ryan hurting Marissa for any reason, even unwittingly in this convoluted situation, would put Ryan in a tailspin of brooding and guilt for God knows how long. Seth wished he knew how to help. At least he could be here if Ryan woke up and wanted to talk.  
  
He was talking now, in his sleep, about a door.  
  
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	3. Circles Chapter 3

Untitled  
  
~Circles~ Chapter 3  
  
Ryan knew Marissa was on the other side of the door. She hadn't walked away yet. She was just inside, out of reach and he could feel her presence coming through the wood like waves of heat. He had to explain, and he had to know why she came to the pool house. He knew she was hurt and crying and felt so alone and he would rip the door off of its hinges to get to her if he had to. He took a step forward, but the door got farther away. Panicking, he ran at it and it grew smaller until it finally disappeared from sight. Out of breath, he heard laughter behind him and spun around to see his mother toasting him with a full drink in her hand. "Nice job, kid. That figures, you screwin' up big time again." Her words ripped through his chest, and he looked down to see vivid scarlet seeping through the bright white of his shirt. He instinctively pressed his hands over the wound and instantly closed his eyes against the searing pain. He took a deep breath, opened his eyes -  
  
- and Seth was walking toward him, brown eyes full of concern. Ryan was sitting up in bed, clutching his chest, and looking around quickly, he determined that there was no door and no mother. He was gasping for breath, and his wifebeater was sticking to him, drenched with sweat.  
  
"It was just a dream. You ok, man?" Seth walked to the bar and got a bottle of water, holding it out to him tentatively.  
  
Ryan took a long drink and then held the cool plastic against his cheek. "Thanks." He twisted the cap back onto it and let himself fall back against the pillow. "Sorry."  
  
Seth just shook his head as he settled back in to the chair. "Now, Ryan it really does wonders for the soul when you talk about things that are bothering you. That's what I heard on Oprah one time anyway." He generally didn't push Ryan too hard about talking, but it had seriously weirded him out when Ryan yelled, waking him up, and then sat up in bed grabbing at his chest like he'd been shot.  
  
Ryan just gave him one of his patented exasperated side-ways glances from the bed.  
  
Seth decided to try a different tactic. He would talk. Not that that was all that different, but he knew his own incessant babble relaxed Ryan when he was on edge. Took his mind elsewhere. Most of the time anyway.  
  
"So. I had a phenomenal time at the party, except for not exactly at first because Summer drug me all over demanding introductions to one suit after another. Youngish suits with lots of money that drive very nice cars, I might add. Finally, I had to throw her across my knee and spank her for her bad behavior and that was when she saw the light and realized who her daddy was."  
  
Ryan lifted an eyebrow his way, and Seth was encouraged.  
  
"Yes Ryan," he nodded, "I"M her daddy. So I turned on the famous Cohen charm, which until tonight essentially did not exist, but - yeah - and by the time I was done she was like putty in my hands." Rubbing his hands together, he looked expectantly at his friend.  
  
Taking the bait, Ryan asked, skeptical, "You made a move? On Summer?"  
  
"No, my misguided friend, I did not have to, because the beautiful Summer Roberts -" Seth paused for the full dramatic effect. "Kissed. Me."  
  
Ryan looked at him. "Were you drinking tonight, Seth?"  
  
"No-oo." He shook his head for added emphasis.  
  
"Do you have any witnesses to this?" Ryan wanted to know.  
  
Seth finally crumbled. "Dude, you're killing me here! Is this so hard to believe? - Oh wait. I guess it is. But Ryan? It really happened."  
  
"She kissed you." Ryan said flatly. Seth nodded his head encouragingly again. "Where?"  
  
"Where do you think? And if you're thinking cheek? You're wrong."  
  
Ryan finally smiled a little. "No, I meant where in the house did it happen? Did she drag you into the bathroom or into one of the closets? Where?"  
  
"It was right out here by the pool. I was sitting by one of the tables and she came out looking for me wanting me to introduce her to some other financially whiz-type jerk and I told her no," Seth informed him proudly.  
  
"Sooo, she kissed you because you wouldn't - " Ryan started, shaking his head in confusion.  
  
"OK, here's what happened. I told her it was pathetic listening to her talk to these guys, when all they were doing was staring at her chest, and they didn't know her at all. How cool she is. And stuff. And I threw out some memories I had of her from our younger days, and she melted into a big puddle, and next thing I know she's got her lips all over me." He nodded at Ryan and pointed to his own lips.  
  
Ryan smirked at Seth. "That's cool man. How was it, or do I have to ask? "  
  
"I think the idiotic grin on my face since then speaks volumes in itself."  
  
Ryan laughed, put his head back on the pillow and stared up at the ceiling for a few moments. His smile faded. "Marissa walked in on me and Gabrielle."  
  
Seth felt a victory in getting Ryan Atwood to talk. He mentally patted himself on the back. "Dude, I figured. How bad - um - was it?"  
  
Ryan continued looking at the ceiling. "Pretty bad."  
  
Seth had to know. "Pretty bad as in removal of clothing bad, just kissing bad, or what?"  
  
There was a moment of silence. Ryan looked at him. "Why does that matter?"  
  
Seth was afraid his mouth had gone too far already, but he continued. "Well, I'm looking at this like, Marissa was back with Luke, right? "  
  
Ryan gave a short nod and his eyes went back to the ceiling. "Looked that way to me. But - "  
  
"But what? If it was just kissing, then what's the big deal? She was all over Luke tonight." Seth slapped himself on the forehead. "Sorry, man."  
  
Ryan shrugged. "That's why I was in here. Didn't want to watch." He was quiet a minute, then he added, "There was some clothing - gone. It was -it was bad. But I don't get - "  
  
Seth waited. He knew it would come out eventually. He'd said this much.  
  
Ryan turned on his side and looked at Seth. "The look in her eyes. She was so - hurt. Really hurt. And why did she come out here anyway?"  
  
"I wish I could tell you. Did you talk to her at all later? I figured you were waiting for her watching the driveway."  
  
Ryan closed his eyes and rolled onto his back. "She told me I was too late."  
  
"Ouch," Seth thought to himself. Yep. Ryan was not only going to be broody guilt guy for a while, he was also going to be broody guilt guy that isn't sure if he read the situation right.  
  
Seth looked out the window at the morning sun sparkling on the pool. They'd only been asleep a couple of hours. He laid back in the recliner. "You feel like going back to sleep?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Me too. No more dreams, though, Ryan. Oprah says so."  
  
"I'll try." 


End file.
